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Have you ever felt trapped? Have you ever stopped, looked around, and then said, "This isn't rite. This isn't it. There's something more.” I do that every day. I feel that way everyday. It's just that you go thru the same routine day after day after day and then one day you wake up and think to yourself...Is that all there is, is this all i am,,, Is my life just a lazy broken record stuck on the same dull note...or is there more...
I am a dreamer, or at least I guess that's what you'd call me. I live in a real world but when I leave sometimes I almost forget to come back. The places I go are just so much more interesting than here. I don't know if it's a genuine feeling or simply a mere wish but sometimes I think that's where I belong...in some other place...living some kind of adventure...I dunno maybe I'm crazy...I'm crazy enuf to be putting this in a live journal...but I think we all have our moments of insanity...this is just one of mine... one of many.
But I love to write and I love to dream, so might as well just combine the two rite? Wow, this is really awkward. I've never been good at keeping a diary; I was always too lazy and careless. Oh well I guess I'll get used to it after a while. I suppose itz good to write down what I feel. It gets it out of my system without me having to tell someone directly. Then I’m not making anyone listen to me, it’s optional.
I'll try to be honest and say what I feel without hiding anything, but itz gonna be strange so bear with me while I get the hang of it. I know I don't have to write EVRYTHING but I'm still gonna try.
Anywayz, when I say I feel trapped, when I feel like there's something more...don't get me wrong itz not that I'm not grateful for wut's been given to me...bcuz trust me I know I've been blessed...I've been extremely, extremely blessed. And I thank God everyday for all that I have...itz just...sometimes I can feel something inside of me yearning to get out...like this other part of me...itz like I can just hear this voice inside of me saying "you're part of something bigger."
Maybe that's why I work more than I should… maybe that's why I'd have more fun if I could. Maybe that's why I'm a walking talking contradiction, whose body serves as a battleground between brain and heart, mind and soul, intellect and emotion.
I don’t mean to be confusing but I am. I just want to relax and enjoy life and have fun…but at the same time I want to help people, I want to honor God with my talents, I want to make everyone proud.
I know I'm only seventeen but that doesn't mean I have to surrender to the popularity-achieving, gossip-seeking, consumer driven lives that other seventeen years olds have fallen victim to.
There’s a difference between having fun and being stupid, There’s a difference between using what you have and being a workaholic. I guess I’m just trying to find a happy medium.
All I know is this: I want to have fun, I want to help, I want to please, I want to relax. I want to drink in life’s goodness, but I want to pour the cup for someone else. I want to live in a fairytale but I want to save the real world. I don’t care if I’m accepted but I want to be loved. I don’t care if I’m forgotten but I want to make a difference.
I know my comments may sound like the confused ramblings of soul-searching teenager, but this is one of those rear cases where chaos gives way to perfect harmony and reason. Somewhere amidst all the complexities strewn in the paragraphs above lies a sole purpose, one common factor that binds the absurdity.
You don’t need to know what that sole purpose is, but then again that’s the beauty of this whole thing, it’s not for you to know. It’s for me. These are my thoughts, in print, plagiarized from the manuscripts of my mind. But I did say I would be honest and open in this. Thus, true to my word and not withholding any information, I have made the main purpose of this passage quite obvious… seeing what it is depends entirely on you.

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